Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize