So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
