I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize