Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
