My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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