Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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