I molested 6 butterflies tonight
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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