I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
