i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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