I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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