thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
