Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize