The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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