wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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