i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize