PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
