I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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