how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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