so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
