my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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