My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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