I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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