I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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