Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
