I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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