So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she peed on how many people?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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