Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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