You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
