i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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