so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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