You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
