So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
