I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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