i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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