i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
