Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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