sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
