I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
