His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i need some magic done to my vagina
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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