Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
