Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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