Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
