Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
