i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
