A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
