6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
