Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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