Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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