You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
