does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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