margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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