Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
