You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
