I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
