Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
