I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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