Michael Bay diarrhea
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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