The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
then he tried to convert me to islam
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
