i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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