based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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