Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
