I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize