i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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