i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
