How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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