I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
