I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
