I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
