Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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